The Gumshoe’s last day on Pulp Street.
I sat back with a heavy sigh, looked out the window of my shoddy office and took a slug of whiskey. I squinted against the sear of the suggestive,pulsating rhythm of the neon sign across the street; blinking on and off, advertising it’s lurid obscenity to all who cared to look.If I had shades, I’d close them. I regarded the the flashing display of vulgarity with a grimace before turning back to my desk. I dropped another one down the hatch.
What kind of world do we live in,when that kind of explicit material is stuck on a flashing billboard so every deviant, reprobate and freak would know where to seek their shameful debauchery.
SENIOR CITIZENS 24 HOUR BINGO PARLOR! It beamed through my window. Shameful.
I rubbed my temple and wished my headache would just get up and walk out.
just like my ex-wife.
and my partner.
and my kids. my dog. my table lamp.my meth addled secretary whats-her-name.My goldfish. and my potted plant. (I Still miss that plant. more than my kids actually.) I reached into my coat and brought out my ‘under the counter’ headache pills. I got ’em real cheap ’cause the FDA banned them last year. or in the 70’s. I don’t really remember when. I poured a smallish handful and swallowed them and the last quarter of the whiskey bottle.
hell, what does the FDA know?
Out of curiosity as to just what the FDA did know, I looked on the back of the pill bottle.
‘WARNING! TAKE ONLY ONE (1) PILL A DAY. FOR SEVERE MIGRAINE TREATMENT.
CAUTION! UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES TO BE TAKEN BEFORE OR AFTER INGESTING ALCOHOL!
( SOME SIDE EFFECTS MAY OCCUR: URINAL TRACT INFLAMMATION,PSYCHOSIS,DIARRHEA,RECTAL ITCHING,NUMBNESS TO FACE AND BODY,GASTRAL IMPLODING, DIABETES,HAIR LOSS, DANGEROUSLY INCREASED SEX-DRIVE,GENITAL RASH, UNCONTROLLABLE DROOLING,HALLUCINATIONS,REVERSE TELEPATHY, AND IN SOME CASES,SUPER DEATH.)
The bottle slipped from my grasp and clattered across the floor. It wasn’t because I was surprised about the warning label, but my arm had lost all feeling and my lips seemed to be having some trouble keeping all that spit in my mouth. I decided to just let it run down my shirt collar like a miniature Niagara Falls.
Hey, at least my right arm worked and my headache had disappeared.
Man oh man, did need a cigarette. Bad.
I reached into my coat pocket and pulled out a pack of camels.
I stared at them for a minute, then decided that the hallucinations had kicked in as the blue furred camel on the left began to chew on my hair.
Basic rational thought went out the window when Porky Pig began trying to talk me down. I realized what a good guy he was and hoped he would eventually over come that speech impediment.I thought I could begin to relax. I was wrong.
My crotch began to itch and burn like all the fires of hell, But I couldn’t be bothered with that now. I had begun to look at my desk in a way that I’d never looked at a desk before. The Duke smacked me in the back of the head. “No time for that now, son. You’ve gotta job to do.” I jumped up and gave a tentacle salute to Capt. Cyber pants and the Hydro bully. John Wayne handed me a stapler from his holster. I swiftly stapled my armor shut and turned the stapler back into a gecko for easy storage in my wonder bra.
A sparkle of light announced the arrival of Flash Gordon and Red Skelton. Flash handed me my Laser Guitar and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder.
“I did not have sexual relations with that painter, Leonardo Da Vinci.” I nodded and dived out the hatch.I remember the training. wait ten, then use the rockets. I had this down to a science.
A Pudding-Bat flew past belching toxic smoke at my head. Ignoring it, I flew past at supersonic speed; i didn’t have time for his kind. I was headed for Lightning Skull mountain, The Lair of my arch nemesis Dr.Divorce-Lawyer. I arrived in time to find two helpless bald women being tortured by a Capuchin Monkey with a smart phone.
I strummed my Photon-Telecaster and the little monkey bastard was done for. Simian ash drifted through the air as the two captives began screaming at me in joy.
“who the hell are you?!” the Shiny one cried happily.
“get out of my house!” Exulted the pale one.
The poor things were hysterical with gratitude.
“no thanks necessary.” I spun around and ran deeper into my enemy’s fortress.
An illusory door with a lot of tricky words almost stopped me, but after some thought I headbutted it into submission. It submitted in a spray of glassy tears. and blood. lots of blood.
Dr. Divorce-Lawyer was laughing maniacally as I charged into the heart of his sanctuary. His laugh almost sounded like crying. no doubt some sort of trick to throw me off guard.
“so we finally meet at last, doctor. again.” I greeted by way of eye poking. He lunged for his Nuclear death-ray/telephone, but I was far quicker than He. I thrust with my Radiant Flying-V,He dodged it easily.He was a master of the hyper-quick fighting art: fetal ball style.
I leapt over him like a Panther-Ninja and pulled the Gecko out of my wonder bra. “Geronimo time, Doctor!” I cried triumphantly, shooting a blast of Gecko radiation.
“stop spitting on me!” He roared before the atomic lizard took his life.
the sound of the self-destruct system activating kept me from checking his pulse.
That didn’t matter, he was dead and would never inconveniently return to exact his revenge at a later time when my guard was down. With a flex of my might thews, I Jumped from the ledge of the cliff as the explosion propelled me into oblivion.
I awoke some time later to the smell of burning. Confused,I turned over to find my waste basket belching flames and scorching an unplucked pigeon on hastily cobbled together spit. Odd, the smoke detector should be blaring. I looked up to find a 6×6 hole in my ceiling, where my smoke detector once hung.
I don’t know what’s-
My eyes fell on my potted plant. It had been behind my office door the whole time. I crawled to my feet and filled my whiskey bottle with water from my flooded bathroom.I don’t know why there were holes and fires, but I had my plant back. Things were finally looking up for me. Somewhere I swear I could hear the sound of weeping. I shrugged and happily began to water my plant as the sound of police sirens grew louder.